Journey to our FET…

On 20th May 2018, the journey to bringing our frozen embryo begun. We had an appointment at Fertility Fusion in Wrightington, with our consultant Mr. Harris. He has been our consultant from the beginning, along with some of the nurses, so I felt very relaxed and comfortable under their care.

I left the appointment with a bag of Buserelin, needles and a sharps box! This protocol was ‘piggy backing’ some treatment I had already been on for my Endometriosis (Zoladex shots) and was to keep my ovaries shut down until we were ready to start FET meds after easter.  I must admit I found it amusing they were worried my ovaries would wake up and work. They haven’t worked in 9 years ha ha!!

So I had 11 days of the shots, and I administered each shot myself due to the shifts my husband works. I found them quite therapeutic if I’m honest. I grabbed an inch of skin on my tummy and straight in, far easier than in the thigh, and stung less!

 

It was expected that I would have a withdrawal bleed from the Buserelin injections. NOPE! I then started a 10 day course of Northisterone to induce a bleed. NOPE! This delay put us 1 month behind where we wanted to be. I did however have some spotting, and was invited for a scan and blood tests to check everything was ok. Bloods were ok, scan showed lining still thick.

Then the final blow. I had to do 28 days of birth control. I know, I know. You can’t make this up. Birth control, to try to induce a withdrawal bleed again. I was so annoyed, and frustrated with my own body….again! This put us 2 months behind. I was fed up of waiting, I wanted to get started. I wont lie….that evening I bought a bottle of wine and enjoyed every drop. And a few more glasses across the 28 days. Then I felt guilty id been drinking alcohol and thought id mess up the whole cycle. IVF makes you crazy!

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The birth control did the trick and my bleed arrived finally 20th May. Baseline scan was booked in for 23rd May, and everything was beginning to fall into place. We left that day with our meds. 4 years to the day since we started IVF to conceive Daniel, and I suddenly felt that everything had happened for a reason. On the car journey home, George Ezra came on the radio. Again he along with James Bay were pretty much the sound track to our first IVF journey.

So my lining scan was booked in for 10 days later and I was a woman on a mission to ensure I grew a nice think, lush, rich lining. So I ran off to Google different things that can help grow a healthy lining. So I started on POM juice, brazil nuts, beetroot juice, liquid iron, blueberries, raspberries and a hot water bottle on my tummy for an hour in the evening. I was mightily pleased when my scan confirmed my lining was a nice thick 8.8mm. The nurse said we were aiming for 7mm. I was over the moon. That day I was transferred over to CARE and left with my cyclogest prescription and paid my fees.

CARE Fertility Manchester called me that afternoon and explained our frozen embryo transfer was booked in for 7th June at 11.20. Much sooner than I expected, I had to cancel 2 days of work. I hadn’t expected transfer until after 11th, but I took it all as a positive.

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I started my Cyclogest pessaries the following day and had a headache from them just 3 hours later. Luckily this was just a fluke and I’ve felt fine on them since. I continued on the beetroot juice until it ran out the day before transfer. I bought the stuff with added passionfruit juice and it was vile. So you’ve been warned!

A couple of days before transfer I gutted the house from top to bottom so I had zero housework to be doing afterwards and could relax. I’d met up with friends for a coffee and a natter, I had a nice long hot bath, and the day before I had a little date afternoon with my husband.

Each evening I had also been listening to either a Zita West relaxation download, or Mindful IVF app to help me relax and visualise the treatment working.

We hit humps in the road when trying to concieve Daniel, so i did expect a couple with our FET, but not 2 months worth. I was frustrated with my body for not bleeding despite 2 different lots of medication to try and induce. These meds made me feel pretty naff about myself too. I was bloated, spotty and my skin was dull, and my energy levels were pretty rubbish too. But none of this was anyones fault. I wallowed for a little while, which you have to allow yourself to do. Then pick yourself up and carry on. Nothing worth having ever comes easy!

My routine when growing my lining,

  • Breakfast was strawberries, raspberries & blueberries topped with greek yoghurt, honey and cinammon and i grated 3 Brazil nuts on top. I found this the easiest way to get the foods into my diet and set me up for the day, followed by…
  • Tsp Liquid iron
  • 75ml Beetroot juice
  • 100ml POM juice

I would take the 2nd dose of liquid iron a couple of hours before bed, and my prenatal (Pregnacare Conception) and Omega3 when i went to bed. My Progynova medication was 3 time a day, and the Cyclogest was twice a day AM/PM.

There is no science to our side of IVF, you can only do what you feel is right for you and your body x.

 

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Positive Mental Attitude…

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Its been said to me a few times, and most recently in my annual Performance Review with my line manager, that I am a positive person.
Yes. Yes I am. Even when the shit hits the fan, I try to remain positive. I cannot stand being around anyone who is constantly negative, or finds flaws in every single thing. It ruins my ‘zen’ and stresses me out. Unless it really is the absolute end of the world, what is the point in ruining all the joy you can have by stressing?
I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you saying I don’t ever ever stress or worry, because I do. I just don’t allow myself to do so for long, nor does my husband allow me too. Because, what’s the point? What will it actually achieve?
Since I met my husband 11 years ago, we had dreams of what we wanted to achieve, buy and what we wanted to do with our lives. We called it our 5 year plan. We started off small ( but achievable) with wanting to rent our own place and Hubby wanted a black BMW Mini. A few months later we were in our own place and had sold our run arounds and bought a Black Mini One.
Then we decided we wanted to start a family. (I wanted an engagement ring but played it as cool as you like and we got engaged 5 years later) This we thought was the easiest thing to achieve. Everyone just pops kids out right?  Nope. I sat and worried, and stressed for 3 years. Then I was made redundant from a job I thought I loved but infact loathed, so we relocated briefly and reassessed our plan.
The dream and drive for a baby did not stop. We simply did not let circumstance stop us trying for our dream. It was not the end of the world and you must remember that!
I was only unemployed for a couple of days before I started the job I do now, and love. I even went for my work trial with stitches still in from my laparoscopy to diagnose endometriosis. You do what you can to make things happen.
So we then played into the hand of sods law. We booked our wedding for Christmas 2014 and embarked upon IVF Summer 2014 and fell pregnant. Yes my wedding dress was a size 10 and fully paid for, and I was going to be 26 weeks pregnant on the day….but hey, I did not give 2 s**ts. I was pregnant. And I did not moan or grump for the entire pregnancy. I floated around on cloud nine.
The plans did not stop there. When Daniel was 1 we started to get serious about saving for a deposit for a house. My husband was only working on a temporary 1 month rolling contract which caused a little concern, so we got onto a mortgage broker and before I knew it we had our deposit. My husband had been working over time and squirreling money away, and we completed on our first home within 6 weeks.
We had visions for this house, and slowly over the last 18 months we have made this house our home with our mark upon it. Now we vision 2 cars on the drive as we dream for a second baby, as the mini might be a squeeze! This is our 2018 plan. Over the next 5 years were planning our forever home, career progression for us both and 2 beautiful children around our feet.
If you can dream it, you can do it. You just have to work hard for it. Things wont just land in your lap. My husband knows that once I have an idea or dream , I find a way to make it happen.

Surround yourself in positivity, and positive people. You only get 1 life. Live it to the full. Get enjoyment from it. Accept help when needed and learn to ask for help if needed.

Because if I can make this happen, anything is possible.

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Hello 2018….

Happy new year to you all, sorry I’ve been AWOL on here. As a manager in retail over Christmas I’ve had zero time to myself. We had a wonderful Christmas, lots of laughs, family and Gin!

2018 is the year we actually try to make another baby. The year we try to make a sibling for Daniel, and not run away from it like I did in 2017. I really wasn’t ready. Like really. I loved the idea of a new little baby, but not the idea of trying for another baby via IVF at that time. I also wasn’t ready to accept that my body was not going to give me a baby without medical intervention. Daniel was 4.5 years in the making. Baby number 2 is already almost 2.5 years in the making. We tried, I tried. it didn’t work.

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I’ve enjoyed the last 5 months in a blissful Zoladex induced menopause with HRT/ add back therapy. Its been glorious. I haven’t had a single sight of spotting. I’ve had more energy, my skin has cleared up, there’s been no pain during intercourse and I’ve been less bloated. I’ve just had my sixth and last shot of Zoladex (for now at least anyway). I am a little petrified of the thought of my period coming back afterwards.

In 4 weeks time ill visit my Endometriosis Consultant and we’ll be referred back to my IVF Consultant for him to coordinate our treatment alongside CARE Manchester, to embark upon a frozen IVF cycle.

I do believe we have a good chance with our frozen cycle. But that’s all it is, chance and hope. Nothing is guaranteed, and that’s what made me run away from it in 2017. I wasn’t mentally ready to not have 100% of my attention on Daniel. I felt guilty at wanting to spend £2k on IVF and not on him, about being distracted or stressed with it all. He’s almost 3, and he will soon be with his childminder and pre-school 5 days a week.

2018 feels right. I’m already back on my vegetarian diet the same way I did with Daniels IVF round. I find I eat better this way. I don’t pick up a lazy subway or maccies when I fancy. I think properly about what food I’m eating and what I’m snacking on. My alcohol consumption has reduced too and I love a glass of vino so I’m missing that more than cheeseburgers! I’ll try to banish what I call ‘hard chocolate’ next. I did it last year and did a good couple of months on whole food snack bars.

If anyone has any questions, or wants to talk, or if you’d like me to talk about anything specific, don’t be afraid to DM me. IVF is tough and you need a support network.

Charlene x

 

 

 

Being 1 in 6…

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So this week is National Fertility Awareness Weeks here in the UK. 1 in 6 couples have trouble with fertility. 1 in 6. Did you know that?

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think id be in that position. That I would be a statistic like this. Those years I was on the pill. Those times I was paranoid id fall pregnant when it wasn’t planned. The time I took the morning after pill because I was drunk, went to bed without taking my pill, and didn’t actually realise until a couple of days later. Que me crying at my hubby 18 months into our relationship that we needed to get it, and panicking until my period arrived. Turns out I don’t work anyway so I needn’t have worried.

You can recap my story in a previous blog post called Why I’m here….

Since IVF I have had friends from school and since school message me thanking me for talking about infertility and our journey. Asking for advice. Asking if something is normal. Girls who have felt so alone, and so overwhelmed by everything. Some have been hung up on something the read online like ‘best sex position to fall pregnant’ or even worse ‘what day to have sex to make a baby girl…’ Ladies and gentleman, neither of these have any scientific fact. It’s quite obvious what to do sex wise, and as for making a baby girl, it’s all a game of chance!

You name it I’ve tried it.

  • Baby aspirin
  • Soy Isolfavones
  • Pineapple
  • High dose folic acid
  • Angus Castus
  • Clomid
  • IUI with Progesterone
  • Pre seed lubricant
  • No alcohol
  • No caffeine
  • No harsh chemicals
  • Veggie diet
  • Reflexology
  • Meditation

None of them worked for us. Clomid and IUI showed ovulation but nothing ever came of it. Not even close.

I class us as one of the lucky couples. We tried for 5 years before we fell pregnant with Daniel via IVF. In that time we were lucky enough to not have to experience the pain and grief of a miscarriage or a failed IVF cycle. IUI did turn me into a crazy when it didn’t work, but there was no embryo, no life, just a chance.

Everyone is different, and will try different things. Some down to what money can buy, some down to views, and some down to what the actual problem is. A good friends sister-in-law who had been through IVF gave me some advice which I did take and tried to stick to, especially after our embryo transfer. This was not to use harsh chemicals, such as perfume or deodorant. Nicola has been interviewed this week as part of NFAW and you can read one of them here . Another lady who has embarked upon an IVF cycle using only natural products is Jules Furness who is undergoing IVF with an egg donor, you can read her story here.

Tomorrow i will post my routine of what i did when we were undergoing our IVF cycle.

Its nice to be back, C x.

 

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The one where I talk about my endometriosis….

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This post has been a while in the making, as I keep getting tied up with jobs and falling asleep. Ha!

Ive mentioned before that I have endometriosis and PCOS and these two are the reason we can’t conceive naturally. Lately I’ve been having flare up’s. I’ve never been bothered with flare ups before. I have my monthly, bloat mid month, feel fab then have a horrendous monthly before the cycle starts again. Over recent months that’s changed and not for the better if I’m honest as I have no idea where I stand with it all.

My monthly is arriving every 28-30 days on average, and this has always been the case. Before Daniel my periods were horrendous and I mean horrendous. I would struggle to stand from the sofa, then struggle to sit and stand straight. It felt like my whole insides were swollen. They were still pretty bad after pregnancy too, then slowly improved. I now manage to handle a period without constant codeine, paracetamol AND ibuprofen. I still have days where I bleed beyond a super+ tampon within an hour but it’s manageable.

I am now however dealing with other issues caused by my endometriosis such as – super length periods, bleeding after sex (90% of the time) coupled with pain during sex and mid month bleeding. Given my periods are longer than normal it’s like I’m bleeding for 3 weeks then I get a week off.  Lucky me!

These last few week s have been my worst flare up. Since this cycle began on 5th June, I’ve had 2 days without any bleeding. It’s now 30th June. So my next cycle is just around the corner. These last 11 days my stomach has been awful, I’ve felt groggy and exhausted and had headaches. My stomach as been bloated every day. Not just average bloating. They type of bloating you get after eating Christmas dinner, pudding and prosecco then chocolates. To the point I’ve had a stitch from walking with it, and wanted a nap. This feeling has been there when ive woken up, and hung around all day. The last couple of days had been the worst. I had to take pain killers to take the edge off the bloated feeling. My whole insides felt swollen. It started to hurt to sit, stand and bend and I had to ask work I felt I could do lighter duties, and 1 colleague commented that I looked pasty! Today the bloating has eased, but I’ve had stabbing pains in my left ovary again so I can only assume I’ve grown myself another big cyst. Yay me!

This feeling has left me wanting to lay on the sofa and not lift a finger but not because the pain is too much to deal with, but because I’ve felt exhausted. I’ve felt like a beached whale as I’ve been so uncomfortable. I’ve just not felt arsed to do anything to put it bluntly. But I have a son who needs me. He needs me to open the fridge so he can hunt for snacks, he needs me to roll around the floor and play cars with him, Hoover up his crumbs and clean up his little accidents when he doesn’t make the potty and shouts “Mummy! Wee wee on floor clean it up!’. I have fallen asleep on the couch most nights to my husbands horror too (yes, loss of libido).

This is not a blog post for sympathy. This is a blog post that is honest and open. When I talk to my husband about a topic to write about, he always suggests something like this and my response is “nobody wants to know about my period or our sex life!” But here it is. My instagram posts will always be honest, and I know there are other ladies far worse off than me. But this is MY endometriosis and it sucks but life goes on x

 

 

The 1 where my toddler is a potty mouth….

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So instead of potty training we have a potty mouth!

I’ve heard stories over the years where parents have said their children have sworn. I’ve also been around children and accidentally sworn myself. I’ve told my nephews off for swearing and I’ve told them off for saying ‘bloody’ when it’s completely unnecessary.

Can you imagine my face when my 2 year old came out with “f*****g” ? Mortified!

His dad had opened the window and ‘hocked a lougie’. Daniel copied him in a fashion and followed it up with “f*****g outside”. I laughed when he told me, and hubby warned we need to be careful what we say around him as he is copying everything we do.

The following day, walking up the stairs he looked at a picture and exclaimed “f*****g butterflies!”

Over the next week he had randomly said the F word, and we had ignored it. He hasn’t used it in perfect context unlike my friends little boy who muttered to himself “where the f**k is it?” Whilst looking for a toy, or an “Oh shit”. Each story she tells me reassures me and also makes me giggle.

It’s funny for a minute, then you think about explaining this to your childminder, listening to him around other children and ensuring you aren’t being a potty mouth too.

Things were going well. Then in a short car journey home from his Nans road rage hit me after a BMW came flying up behind me leaving em actually fearing for my life as I thought he’d smash into the back of our car. That was it. I saw red “f*****g a***hole” and gestures to him. What follows next will make you laugh if you have any sense of humour. Daniel was then on repeat “F*****g f*****g f****g” “f*****g a***hole, f*****g a***hole” giggling away to himself. And thus explains where he’s picking up all the naughty words. In the car.

So if you think you’re having a bad parenting day, just think about a 2 year old who can pronounce perfectly ‘f*****g a***hole’

 

The one where I’m honest with myself….

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Over the last month or so we have have made the decision to extend the storage of our 4 frozen embryos. There was so much dilly dallying over it between us. Neither of us were bluntly honest about it until the pressure of it hit. As we made our decision to extend, the papers for the storage came through the door. The current storage ends in July, and due to administration & new contracts, we had to make a decision to extend, destroy or proceed with treatment by 20th April. We were not expecting this at all. We thought we’d have until July to be sure of our decision.

Completing the forms was tough. Between us we had to decide what would happen to those embryos if either of us died. Things like, if my husband was to pass away, he consented to me using the embryos in future treatment, if he was listed as the biological father. A little debate brewed as, if I pass away there was no option for my husband to do anything with the embryos other than donate them to science or destroy them. And I decide to do these forms on a Wednesday morning before work!

We both agreed that we could not accept the embryos being donated directly to another couple. I’ve spoken about this before on my blog and I cannot bare there to be another little baby, biologically mine out there. We do agree to donating to science though. I like to think that this would help more couples in the future.

Since we signed the forms and paid the (not cheap) bill, I feel like a humongous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly felt like I had the weight of the world on there. I was constantly fighting with myself. My head certainly wasn’t clear and ready for it. My body wasn’t in its peak condition. And what did I do to comfort myself? Eat chocolate, biscuits and cake and drink wine. Not the picture of “perfect IVF harmony”.

Im constantly being asked at the minute “are you having anymore?” To which I just blurt out “well…..he’s IVF so…….” and conversation drifts off to “I know someone who had IVF then had a baby without it”. I’m bored of hearing this, but I don’t know what answer I would prefer instead. I certainly don’t want to hear “oh, I’m sorry” .

Yes I want another baby. I want to feel gentle baby kicks from my tummy, I want the bad back again and the heartburn that only a McDonalds milkshake will cure. I’ve been off all forms of contraception for almost 8 years now.

I joked with my friend yesterday how “I might just have the 1 kid”. Our boys were playing, then arguing over toys and around and around as kids do. I told this to my husband as we’d were chatting about random things as we got into bed. He asked me if that’s what I wanted and I was honest with my answer. “I don’t know, I’m scared” .

A decision like this isn’t just mine. We are a couple, a family. Its a joint decision. It’s a decision that’s will affect all 3 of us regardless of the outcome.

Yes i know it’s not clear cut and my answer is very grey. But, I do want another child, I’m just petrified to go through IVF again. I know the process is a little easier than a full cycle as the hard ‘egg collection’ part is already done. It’s the immense pressure I’m scared of. And I’m scared of failure. I don’t want to let my husband down. I don’t want to let myself down, and I know I can’t control the outcome of IVF, but that currently…..gives me zero reassurance!

I want so badly to fall pregnant naturally but my body lets me down. Endometriosis and polycystic ovaries = out of order!

Ive never been on a diet specific for endometriosis or PCOS. Simply because, I dont have the ‘syndrome’ as such just the cystic ovaries, no ovulation and erratic hormones. When we underwent IVF I had not long become a vegetarian for various reasons but 1 of those being a healthy high protein diet = good eggs on egg collection. My theory was eggs = protein. So I’m currently researching diets to help with PCOS in the hope that Mother Nature will be kind to me. But if not, I have a year to be kind to myself and decide what’s what.

 

Apologies I felt this is a little repetitive, and covers the same stuff as previous posts. But as time goes on I’m writing how I feel as this helps me. Promise the next post will be a happy post!

 

 

 

The one where I’m teaching my son to stick up for himself…

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This last few weeks has been hectic. I’ve done some extra hours in work whilst they were available, and I’ve celebrated my 32nd birthday…..quietly.

This topic may be controversial. But I’m in no way saying what I am doing is right and what you are doing Is wrong. It’s what’s working for us.

Ive realised since my baby turned 2 that he’s now in a different world. He likes to do what the big kids do. Copy the big kids, and play with them. Big kids are more boysterous. They charge everywhere, jump and climb. Daniel is doing exactly that.

On Mothers Day he was pushed off a climbing frame by an older kid. I instantly ran over to him (I do every time he falls!) as it was a 2 foot drop and he fell face first. And….I was furious! Instinct kicked in and I grabbed him and said “he’s a nasty boy isn’t he baba?! Are you ok??” I then realised that the older child would most likely remember what I had said if he had overheard me and I didn’t want to be ‘that‘ Mum, so …. quick as a flash I said louder “I’m sure he didn’t mean it. It’s just an accident”. I took him to the picnic bench to give him a drink and wipe away his tears. He had a graze on his hand. My boy had his first injury caused by another child. I was so annoyed, but I’m not the type of person who handles confrontation well, so left it at that.

A good 5 mins passed when the boys Mum came over with him to apologise. Being diplomatic I said “not to worry, I’m sure it was an accident”. To which she replied “no, he said he meant to do it. Is she ok?” She? SHE? She called my son a she. I’d been calling his name across the play area. What? I let Daniel play on for a little while, wondering how he looked like a little girl in a dinosaur t shirt, jeans and red converse. The mind boggles.

I don’t know what more Daniel could have done for himself on that occasion, as he was pushed from behind. And I’m not sure what the etiquette is either.

A week or so later we’d were at his best friends house. They hadn’t seen each other for a while and were in the “mine mine mine” playing stage. His Mum was about to get his leapfrog reader out when Daniel got excited and said “baba see?” When out of the blue his friend kind of side swiped Daniel on the cheek and said no. We’d only had a conversation a few minuets earlier wondering who would hit who first and what they’d fight over. Well, Daniel broke his little heart. His friend broke his heart too, upset that he had hurt Daniel and upset that he was no longer getting to play with the leapfrog reader. His Mum and I discussed this, they’re friends and I fully accept that they will fall out from time to time. I’d be living in the clouds if I never expected it.

Since then I have been trying to toughen him up. I’m teaching him to stand up for himself. I don’t want bigger kids or bullies walking all over him because I’ve taught him to ‘run and tell Mummy’. And I’m not saying my son is an absolute angel who listens to every single word I say, because he doesn’t, he’s 2. But he’s never snatched with force, or pushed or hit another’s child, and he doesn’t behave that way with us.

We practically spent my whole birthday weekend with his little friend because his Mum is 1 of my closest friends. So playing with his friend he had plenty of opportunity to try out our method. And my friend fully supports it. So anytime his friend tried to snatch, intimidate or push him he’d say “No. Naughty!”. When he first did it myself and my friend applauded him. Daniel didn’t need to come running to me for reassurance as I heard his words, and he didn’t get upset as his friend backed off. I’d much rather Daniel learn this type of behaviour from a friend where I can talk it out with his mum, than in a park with a child we don’t know, and who’s mum thinks he’s a girl or worse….blames my son, or my parenting and what not.

*I need to say, his friend has 2 older brothers, so he has learnt to stick up for himself, and has had the fights over who’s toy is who’s. He isn’t in no way a naughty little monkey. Just in case any of you were thinking ‘who does she hang out with?’ *

Our method was tested again today too, were at a friends Christening. The children were running and playing around the pews in the church as it was welcomed by the vicar. Daniels ran off into the corner with 2 children, when he reappaeared he said ‘naughty’ so I knew that a child may have pushed past him, and that he had sorted this himself. He also said it when he was playing with a little boy and his mum was watching over, top of his voice “no naughty”. Again this had dealt with it. As the Mum explained to her son why he had said he was naughty (snatched a car) .

Its a worrying world sometimes. Stories of bullies all over the news, TV and social media. As a child I was bullied by a girl who didn’t even go to my school. She just targeted me as Id walk to my Nanna’s house which was round the corner. I’d stand at  the bottom of the street and see if I could see her and work out which way to walk round to avoid her cornering me or chasing me. She only ever once physically hurt me. She kicked me in the back and winded me. This was when I was primary school age. And I dint know her. So why me? I wasn’t bullied in secondary school. All the girls were clicky but I had a good group of friends. Some girls pretended to be my friends but were just bitches. I had no desire to be the popułar girl in school or with the popular group so i wasn’t arsed.

My son will know how to stick up for himself, and how to defend himself. I want him to always confide in myself or his Dad. This is my aim anyway. I won’t allow him to be bullied or be a bully. I have zero tolerance.

A thank you to my son….

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Kisses with my boy.

I have loved you from the minute I saw you as an embryo. Since that moment I have been a Mum. I have fretted over every single little thing. Just hours after your transfer I thought you’d fallen down the toilet.  I did everything within my power to ensure you were safe in my tummy. I constantly took photos of my tummy to watch my bump grow. I wanted to remember our journey as there was no guarantee it would ever happen again.

We had longed for you for years. Each month I would imagine myself with a pregnant belly. I’d convince myself every month I was pregnant and sulk when I knew I wasn’t. It was long and it was tough. We laughed and we cried. A lot. As time went on I stopped imagining a pregnant belly but we didn’t give up. We went into your IVF cycle full of positivity but scared as hell and a little stressed. I even became veggie to see if it would help (a halal meat video helped too!) I was so grumpy towards your Daddy for a couple of months. I was unreasonable and I’d cry for no reason, I once cried because there was no salad on my sandwich but that’s another story!

When we found out you were on your way, I had done lots of tests without telling Daddy. All in 1 afternoon. Like I said already, I was crazy! When we did the ‘proper’ test we cried and we hugged, and we were on top of the world. And we’ve been there ever since.

You have had 3 different name’s before we settled on Daniel. Your named after your Daddy’s cousin. We enjoyed every day of your pregnancy. You were very good to me, you didn’t make me feel sick or tired. I felt like I was glowing every day. You did however sit on a nerve from time to time which made me walk like John Wayne…thanks for that!

You arrived 3 weeks early on Mothers Day in 2015. It was almost like it was meant to be. And I don’t be think you will ever top that as a Mothers Day gift, so don’t ever feel like you have to spend money on an elaborate gift. A card, a cuddle and bunch of daffodils will always be enough for me, because I have you and there is no better gift.

I love your little personality. You ask us stuff but mostly tell us stuff to. Like ‘eat it’ whilst sticking food in our faces. Or ‘have it’ when you want something we have. You’ve learnt the word ‘other’ now too and you’ll send me on a wild goose chase through the fork until I find the ‘other’.  I always said ‘he won’t be playing games on my phone’. But you do and I love it. You’ve navigated your way around my phone and you’ll snuggle on my knee and play alphablocks, or Andy’s prehistoric adventures whilst I have a brew. I cherish moments like those.

Today we have been to a farm and you have been the sweetest. You fed a sheep,  you held a little chicken, and played on the park. You painted pictures and ate all of your tea, then demanded I play racing cars with you and each time you told me I’d won “Mummy win!”. The clocks changed last night and you’re already settled in bed an hour earlier than normal  you’re perfect in every way baby boy.

I have never found parenting you hard work and you’ll never hear me complain. You can be a monkey, and you are stubborn as hell but you’ll always come first. Before anyone or anything else. Why? Because you are my most treasured possession. You are mine and I cannot imagine a life without you. I will never desert you. I will never lie to you. I will never ever let anyone hurt you. I will always guide you down the right path but not push you. I will work hard and save for your future.

No im not saying your life will be Pinterest or instagram perfect. There will be days that I won’t get dressed because I can’t be arsed, and you’ll no doubt poop in the bath at some point. Your friends may come for tea and the house may be untidy….because that’s life, and they may end up with chicken nuggets and chips and not an organic home grown feast. But you will never go without wherever we can help and afford it.

Today is Mothers Day and it’s not been about me, it’s been about you. Thank you for being mine  thank you for making me a Mummy, letting me feel this way and experience this life. I will never take you for granted as I’ve never wanted anything as much as ive wanted you.

Thank you, love Mummy xxx

 

The 1 where I talk about motherhood loneliness #YANA

IMG_2297So….recently, Channel Mum have had a campaign/ movement about Mums being lonely. #YANA ~ You Are Not Alone.  9 out of 10 Mums admitted they felt lonely in a recent survey

I remember when I was pregnant I had lots of people fussing around me, all as excited as I was for Daniels arrival after the journey of IVF. Once Daniel was here safe and well, and everyone had met him the buzz died down. I didn’t quite realise at the time as I was in my own little bubble and I didn’t prioritise anyone other than Daniel.

During the week I would keep myself busy with baby groups. We had ‘Baby Blooms’ on a Monday afternoon which was our favourite for a long while. Tuesday I would meet up with a work colleague and we’d go to a play group at the local community centre with her granddaughter. Wednesdays were free days with the weigh clinic every few weeks. Thursdays as Daniel got older, I would take part to in the free group at our local soft play centre and he loved it, we’d be in there for hours. Friday mornings were filled with rhyme time at the library followed by an afternoon at another play group. This group had tea and cake and lots of it. This group is where I met my little group of ‘Mum Friends’

During the week I kept us busy. In wind and rain I’d walk proudly with my baby in his pram and walk to our playgroups. I’d often then walk to the local shopping centre and pick up any bits we needed, and he’d sleep.

It was the weekends where I felt lonely (lacking adult conversation) Hubby was working 7 days a week. Cramming in overtime. My new mum friends were busy with their families. It was just me and Daniel. I would rarely hear from friends or family. Not just at the weekends, I’d go days without hearing from some.

Yes. Friends had their own lives. I had friends who had babies just after me, and they became distant. Not through lack of trying….babies at different ages, different groups, different routines with their families. 1 friend in a different city. 1 friend going through a f***ing hard time, and I always made sure she knew I was there for her.

We feel lonely because our lives before babies are the past. Friendships grow, change, or fall apart. And as new Mums you think it’s your fault. You wonder why they are being selfish and not wanting to spend time with you or know how many times your baby pooped today. But what we don’t realise at the time is that whilst we have been in our newborn bubble, their lives are changing too.

So because of this, remember everyones lives are changing every day. Remember to smile and say hi to the Mums you meet at weigh clinics, or play groups. And if you recognise them at the shops  they aren’t going to bite, but you may just make a new friend or save a Mum from insanity! Text your friends and ask what’s new, what’s the gossip. Tell them to come for a brew and an hour of adult conversation.

Im extremely lucky to have met my ‘Blooms Mums’. My boy and I have 4 extremely good friends, that good they’ll stay up until 1am helping you sew a teepee together, or bake a cake. They are always at the end of the phone or on the Whatsapp group at stupid o’clock. And for that…..Blooms Mums I love you!! You Are Not Alone Cx.