The one where I talk about my endometriosis….

 

This post has been a while in the making, as I keep getting tied up with jobs and falling asleep. Ha!

Ive mentioned before that I have endometriosis and PCOS and these two are the reason we can’t conceive naturally. Lately I’ve been having flare up’s. I’ve never been bothered with flare ups before. I have my monthly, bloat mid month, feel fab then have a horrendous monthly before the cycle starts again. Over recent months that’s changed and not for the better if I’m honest as I have no idea where I stand with it all.

My monthly is arriving every 28-30 days on average, and this has always been the case. Before Daniel my periods were horrendous and I mean horrendous. I would struggle to stand from the sofa, then struggle to sit and stand straight. It felt like my whole insides were swollen. They were still pretty bad after pregnancy too, then slowly improved. I now manage to handle a period without constant codeine, paracetamol AND ibuprofen. I still have days where I bleed beyond a super+ tampon within an hour but it’s manageable.

I am now however dealing with other issues caused by my endometriosis such as – super length periods, bleeding after sex (90% of the time) coupled with pain during sex and mid month bleeding. Given my periods are longer than normal it’s like I’m bleeding for 3 weeks then I get a week off.  Lucky me!

These last few week s have been my worst flare up. Since this cycle began on 5th June, I’ve had 2 days without any bleeding. It’s now 30th June. So my next cycle is just around the corner. These last 11 days my stomach has been awful, I’ve felt groggy and exhausted and had headaches. My stomach as been bloated every day. Not just average bloating. They type of bloating you get after eating Christmas dinner, pudding and prosecco then chocolates. To the point I’ve had a stitch from walking with it, and wanted a nap. This feeling has been there when ive woken up, and hung around all day. The last couple of days had been the worst. I had to take pain killers to take the edge off the bloated feeling. My whole insides felt swollen. It started to hurt to sit, stand and bend and I had to ask work I felt I could do lighter duties, and 1 colleague commented that I looked pasty! Today the bloating has eased, but I’ve had stabbing pains in my left ovary again so I can only assume I’ve grown myself another big cyst. Yay me!

This feeling has left me wanting to lay on the sofa and not lift a finger but not because the pain is too much to deal with, but because I’ve felt exhausted. I’ve felt like a beached whale as I’ve been so uncomfortable. I’ve just not felt arsed to do anything to put it bluntly. But I have a son who needs me. He needs me to open the fridge so he can hunt for snacks, he needs me to roll around the floor and play cars with him, Hoover up his crumbs and clean up his little accidents when he doesn’t make the potty and shouts “Mummy! Wee wee on floor clean it up!’. I have fallen asleep on the couch most nights to my husbands horror too (yes, loss of libido).

This is not a blog post for sympathy. This is a blog post that is honest and open. When I talk to my husband about a topic to write about, he always suggests something like this and my response is “nobody wants to know about my period or our sex life!” But here it is. My instagram posts will always be honest, and I know there are other ladies far worse off than me. But this is MY endometriosis and it sucks but life goes on x

 

 

The 1 where my toddler is a potty mouth….

So instead of potty training we have a potty mouth!

I’ve heard stories over the years where parents have said their children have sworn. I’ve also been around children and accidentally sworn myself. I’ve told my nephews off for swearing and I’ve told them off for saying ‘bloody’ when it’s completely unnecessary.

Can you imagine my face when my 2 year old came out with “f*****g” ? Mortified!

His dad had opened the window and ‘hocked a lougie’. Daniel copied him in a fashion and followed it up with “f*****g outside”. I laughed when he told me, and hubby warned we need to be careful what we say around him as he is copying everything we do.

The following day, walking up the stairs he looked at a picture and exclaimed “f*****g butterflies!”

Over the next week he had randomly said the F word, and we had ignored it. He hasn’t used it in perfect context unlike my friends little boy who muttered to himself “where the f**k is it?” Whilst looking for a toy, or an “Oh shit”. Each story she tells me reassures me and also makes me giggle.

It’s funny for a minute, then you think about explaining this to your childminder, listening to him around other children and ensuring you aren’t being a potty mouth too.

Things were going well. Then in a short car journey home from his Nans road rage hit me after a BMW came flying up behind me leaving em actually fearing for my life as I thought he’d smash into the back of our car. That was it. I saw red “f*****g a***hole” and gestures to him. What follows next will make you laugh if you have any sense of humour. Daniel was then on repeat “F*****g f*****g f****g” “f*****g a***hole, f*****g a***hole” giggling away to himself. And thus explains where he’s picking up all the naughty words. In the car.

So if you think you’re having a bad parenting day, just think about a 2 year old who can pronounce perfectly ‘f*****g a***hole’

 

The one where I’m honest with myself….

Over the last month or so we have have made the decision to extend the storage of our 4 frozen embryos. There was so much dilly dallying over it between us. Neither of us were bluntly honest about it until the pressure of it hit. As we made our decision to extend, the papers for the storage came through the door. The current storage ends in July, and due to administration & new contracts, we had to make a decision to extend, destroy or proceed with treatment by 20th April. We were not expecting this at all. We thought we’d have until July to be sure of our decision.

Completing the forms was tough. Between us we had to decide what would happen to those embryos if either of us died. Things like, if my husband was to pass away, he consented to me using the embryos in future treatment, if he was listed as the biological father. A little debate brewed as, if I pass away there was no option for my husband to do anything with the embryos other than donate them to science or destroy them. And I decide to do these forms on a Wednesday morning before work!

We both agreed that we could not accept the embryos being donated directly to another couple. I’ve spoken about this before on my blog and I cannot bare there to be another little baby, biologically mine out there. We do agree to donating to science though. I like to think that this would help more couples in the future.

Since we signed the forms and paid the (not cheap) bill, I feel like a humongous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly felt like I had the weight of the world on there. I was constantly fighting with myself. My head certainly wasn’t clear and ready for it. My body wasn’t in its peak condition. And what did I do to comfort myself? Eat chocolate, biscuits and cake and drink wine. Not the picture of “perfect IVF harmony”.

Im constantly being asked at the minute “are you having anymore?” To which I just blurt out “well…..he’s IVF so…….” and conversation drifts off to “I know someone who had IVF then had a baby without it”. I’m bored of hearing this, but I don’t know what answer I would prefer instead. I certainly don’t want to hear “oh, I’m sorry” .

Yes I want another baby. I want to feel gentle baby kicks from my tummy, I want the bad back again and the heartburn that only a McDonalds milkshake will cure. I’ve been off all forms of contraception for almost 8 years now.

I joked with my friend yesterday how “I might just have the 1 kid”. Our boys were playing, then arguing over toys and around and around as kids do. I told this to my husband as we’d were chatting about random things as we got into bed. He asked me if that’s what I wanted and I was honest with my answer. “I don’t know, I’m scared” .

A decision like this isn’t just mine. We are a couple, a family. Its a joint decision. It’s a decision that’s will affect all 3 of us regardless of the outcome.

Yes i know it’s not clear cut and my answer is very grey. But, I do want another child, I’m just petrified to go through IVF again. I know the process is a little easier than a full cycle as the hard ‘egg collection’ part is already done. It’s the immense pressure I’m scared of. And I’m scared of failure. I don’t want to let my husband down. I don’t want to let myself down, and I know I can’t control the outcome of IVF, but that currently…..gives me zero reassurance!

I want so badly to fall pregnant naturally but my body lets me down. Endometriosis and polycystic ovaries = out of order!

Ive never been on a diet specific for endometriosis or PCOS. Simply because, I dont have the ‘syndrome’ as such just the cystic ovaries, no ovulation and erratic hormones. When we underwent IVF I had not long become a vegetarian for various reasons but 1 of those being a healthy high protein diet = good eggs on egg collection. My theory was eggs = protein. So I’m currently researching diets to help with PCOS in the hope that Mother Nature will be kind to me. But if not, I have a year to be kind to myself and decide what’s what.

 

Apologies I felt this is a little repetitive, and covers the same stuff as previous posts. But as time goes on I’m writing how I feel as this helps me. Promise the next post will be a happy post!

 

 

 

The one where I’m teaching my son to stick up for himself…

This last few weeks has been hectic. I’ve done some extra hours in work whilst they were available, and I’ve celebrated my 32nd birthday…..quietly.

This topic may be controversial. But I’m in no way saying what I am doing is right and what you are doing Is wrong. It’s what’s working for us.

Ive realised since my baby turned 2 that he’s now in a different world. He likes to do what the big kids do. Copy the big kids, and play with them. Big kids are more boysterous. They charge everywhere, jump and climb. Daniel is doing exactly that.

On Mothers Day he was pushed off a climbing frame by an older kid. I instantly ran over to him (I do every time he falls!) as it was a 2 foot drop and he fell face first. And….I was furious! Instinct kicked in and I grabbed him and said “he’s a nasty boy isn’t he baba?! Are you ok??” I then realised that the older child would most likely remember what I had said if he had overheard me and I didn’t want to be ‘that‘ Mum, so …. quick as a flash I said louder “I’m sure he didn’t mean it. It’s just an accident”. I took him to the picnic bench to give him a drink and wipe away his tears. He had a graze on his hand. My boy had his first injury caused by another child. I was so annoyed, but I’m not the type of person who handles confrontation well, so left it at that.

A good 5 mins passed when the boys Mum came over with him to apologise. Being diplomatic I said “not to worry, I’m sure it was an accident”. To which she replied “no, he said he meant to do it. Is she ok?” She? SHE? She called my son a she. I’d been calling his name across the play area. What? I let Daniel play on for a little while, wondering how he looked like a little girl in a dinosaur t shirt, jeans and red converse. The mind boggles.

I don’t know what more Daniel could have done for himself on that occasion, as he was pushed from behind. And I’m not sure what the etiquette is either.

A week or so later we’d were at his best friends house. They hadn’t seen each other for a while and were in the “mine mine mine” playing stage. His Mum was about to get his leapfrog reader out when Daniel got excited and said “baba see?” When out of the blue his friend kind of side swiped Daniel on the cheek and said no. We’d only had a conversation a few minuets earlier wondering who would hit who first and what they’d fight over. Well, Daniel broke his little heart. His friend broke his heart too, upset that he had hurt Daniel and upset that he was no longer getting to play with the leapfrog reader. His Mum and I discussed this, they’re friends and I fully accept that they will fall out from time to time. I’d be living in the clouds if I never expected it.

Since then I have been trying to toughen him up. I’m teaching him to stand up for himself. I don’t want bigger kids or bullies walking all over him because I’ve taught him to ‘run and tell Mummy’. And I’m not saying my son is an absolute angel who listens to every single word I say, because he doesn’t, he’s 2. But he’s never snatched with force, or pushed or hit another’s child, and he doesn’t behave that way with us.

We practically spent my whole birthday weekend with his little friend because his Mum is 1 of my closest friends. So playing with his friend he had plenty of opportunity to try out our method. And my friend fully supports it. So anytime his friend tried to snatch, intimidate or push him he’d say “No. Naughty!”. When he first did it myself and my friend applauded him. Daniel didn’t need to come running to me for reassurance as I heard his words, and he didn’t get upset as his friend backed off. I’d much rather Daniel learn this type of behaviour from a friend where I can talk it out with his mum, than in a park with a child we don’t know, and who’s mum thinks he’s a girl or worse….blames my son, or my parenting and what not.

*I need to say, his friend has 2 older brothers, so he has learnt to stick up for himself, and has had the fights over who’s toy is who’s. He isn’t in no way a naughty little monkey. Just in case any of you were thinking ‘who does she hang out with?’ *

Our method was tested again today too, were at a friends Christening. The children were running and playing around the pews in the church as it was welcomed by the vicar. Daniels ran off into the corner with 2 children, when he reappaeared he said ‘naughty’ so I knew that a child may have pushed past him, and that he had sorted this himself. He also said it when he was playing with a little boy and his mum was watching over, top of his voice “no naughty”. Again this had dealt with it. As the Mum explained to her son why he had said he was naughty (snatched a car) .

Its a worrying world sometimes. Stories of bullies all over the news, TV and social media. As a child I was bullied by a girl who didn’t even go to my school. She just targeted me as Id walk to my Nanna’s house which was round the corner. I’d stand at  the bottom of the street and see if I could see her and work out which way to walk round to avoid her cornering me or chasing me. She only ever once physically hurt me. She kicked me in the back and winded me. This was when I was primary school age. And I dint know her. So why me? I wasn’t bullied in secondary school. All the girls were clicky but I had a good group of friends. Some girls pretended to be my friends but were just bitches. I had no desire to be the popułar girl in school or with the popular group so i wasn’t arsed.

My son will know how to stick up for himself, and how to defend himself. I want him to always confide in myself or his Dad. This is my aim anyway. I won’t allow him to be bullied or be a bully. I have zero tolerance.

A thank you to my son….

Kisses with my boy.

I have loved you from the minute I saw you as an embryo. Since that moment I have been a Mum. I have fretted over every single little thing. Just hours after your transfer I thought you’d fallen down the toilet.  I did everything within my power to ensure you were safe in my tummy. I constantly took photos of my tummy to watch my bump grow. I wanted to remember our journey as there was no guarantee it would ever happen again.

We had longed for you for years. Each month I would imagine myself with a pregnant belly. I’d convince myself every month I was pregnant and sulk when I knew I wasn’t. It was long and it was tough. We laughed and we cried. A lot. As time went on I stopped imagining a pregnant belly but we didn’t give up. We went into your IVF cycle full of positivity but scared as hell and a little stressed. I even became veggie to see if it would help (a halal meat video helped too!) I was so grumpy towards your Daddy for a couple of months. I was unreasonable and I’d cry for no reason, I once cried because there was no salad on my sandwich but that’s another story!

When we found out you were on your way, I had done lots of tests without telling Daddy. All in 1 afternoon. Like I said already, I was crazy! When we did the ‘proper’ test we cried and we hugged, and we were on top of the world. And we’ve been there ever since.

You have had 3 different name’s before we settled on Daniel. Your named after your Daddy’s cousin. We enjoyed every day of your pregnancy. You were very good to me, you didn’t make me feel sick or tired. I felt like I was glowing every day. You did however sit on a nerve from time to time which made me walk like John Wayne…thanks for that!

You arrived 3 weeks early on Mothers Day in 2015. It was almost like it was meant to be. And I don’t be think you will ever top that as a Mothers Day gift, so don’t ever feel like you have to spend money on an elaborate gift. A card, a cuddle and bunch of daffodils will always be enough for me, because I have you and there is no better gift.

I love your little personality. You ask us stuff but mostly tell us stuff to. Like ‘eat it’ whilst sticking food in our faces. Or ‘have it’ when you want something we have. You’ve learnt the word ‘other’ now too and you’ll send me on a wild goose chase through the fork until I find the ‘other’.  I always said ‘he won’t be playing games on my phone’. But you do and I love it. You’ve navigated your way around my phone and you’ll snuggle on my knee and play alphablocks, or Andy’s prehistoric adventures whilst I have a brew. I cherish moments like those.

Today we have been to a farm and you have been the sweetest. You fed a sheep,  you held a little chicken, and played on the park. You painted pictures and ate all of your tea, then demanded I play racing cars with you and each time you told me I’d won “Mummy win!”. The clocks changed last night and you’re already settled in bed an hour earlier than normal  you’re perfect in every way baby boy.

I have never found parenting you hard work and you’ll never hear me complain. You can be a monkey, and you are stubborn as hell but you’ll always come first. Before anyone or anything else. Why? Because you are my most treasured possession. You are mine and I cannot imagine a life without you. I will never desert you. I will never lie to you. I will never ever let anyone hurt you. I will always guide you down the right path but not push you. I will work hard and save for your future.

No im not saying your life will be Pinterest or instagram perfect. There will be days that I won’t get dressed because I can’t be arsed, and you’ll no doubt poop in the bath at some point. Your friends may come for tea and the house may be untidy….because that’s life, and they may end up with chicken nuggets and chips and not an organic home grown feast. But you will never go without wherever we can help and afford it.

Today is Mothers Day and it’s not been about me, it’s been about you. Thank you for being mine  thank you for making me a Mummy, letting me feel this way and experience this life. I will never take you for granted as I’ve never wanted anything as much as ive wanted you.

Thank you, love Mummy xxx

 

The 1 where I talk about motherhood loneliness #YANA

So….recently, Channel Mum have had a campaign/ movement about Mums being lonely. #YANA ~ You Are Not Alone.  9 out of 10 Mums admitted they felt lonely in a recent survey

I remember when I was pregnant I had lots of people fussing around me, all as excited as I was for Daniels arrival after the journey of IVF. Once Daniel was here safe and well, and everyone had met him the buzz died down. I didn’t quite realise at the time as I was in my own little bubble and I didn’t prioritise anyone other than Daniel.

During the week I would keep myself busy with baby groups. We had ‘Baby Blooms’ on a Monday afternoon which was our favourite for a long while. Tuesday I would meet up with a work colleague and we’d go to a play group at the local community centre with her granddaughter. Wednesdays were free days with the weigh clinic every few weeks. Thursdays as Daniel got older, I would take part to in the free group at our local soft play centre and he loved it, we’d be in there for hours. Friday mornings were filled with rhyme time at the library followed by an afternoon at another play group. This group had tea and cake and lots of it. This group is where I met my little group of ‘Mum Friends’

During the week I kept us busy. In wind and rain I’d walk proudly with my baby in his pram and walk to our playgroups. I’d often then walk to the local shopping centre and pick up any bits we needed, and he’d sleep.

It was the weekends where I felt lonely (lacking adult conversation) Hubby was working 7 days a week. Cramming in overtime. My new mum friends were busy with their families. It was just me and Daniel. I would rarely hear from friends or family. Not just at the weekends, I’d go days without hearing from some.

Yes. Friends had their own lives. I had friends who had babies just after me, and they became distant. Not through lack of trying….babies at different ages, different groups, different routines with their families. 1 friend in a different city. 1 friend going through a f***ing hard time, and I always made sure she knew I was there for her.

We feel lonely because our lives before babies are the past. Friendships grow, change, or fall apart. And as new Mums you think it’s your fault. You wonder why they are being selfish and not wanting to spend time with you or know how many times your baby pooped today. But what we don’t realise at the time is that whilst we have been in our newborn bubble, their lives are changing too.

So because of this, remember everyones lives are changing every day. Remember to smile and say hi to the Mums you meet at weigh clinics, or play groups. And if you recognise them at the shops  they aren’t going to bite, but you may just make a new friend or save a Mum from insanity! Text your friends and ask what’s new, what’s the gossip. Tell them to come for a brew and an hour of adult conversation.

Im extremely lucky to have met my ‘Blooms Mums’. My boy and I have 4 extremely good friends, that good they’ll stay up until 1am helping you sew a teepee together, or bake a cake. They are always at the end of the phone or on the Whatsapp group at stupid o’clock. And for that…..Blooms Mums I love you!! You Are Not Alone Cx.

The one with Daniels 2nd birthday….

So this week (or should I say 10 day so or so) has been hectic. I’m shattered and need a week off to recover! We have celebrated Daniels 2nd birthday with everything and everyone he loves and its been fantastic!

Lets start with the birthday cake ~ I decided to bake this myself. I love homemade wherever possible. Last year for his 1st birthday I handmade a dinosaur teepee with the help of my friend, she taught me how to sew and the results were phenomenal if I do say so myself. We were up until 1am sewing pieces together, ironing and measuring. And we were the same this year. I like to think I can bake. I’ve always baked tasty cupcakes, and the creamiest buttercream. I even made my friends wedding cake. This year however, I have a new oven. I haven’t baked in it before and my head was all over the place as my beloved bunny was in the vets care overnight. I forgot an ingredient for my reliable vanilla sponge recipe so found an alternative. Lets just say, it was dry. Very dry!

The following morning i had a call to say my bunny had passed away. What on earth was I going to do? I couldn’t let Daniel see me cry or my nephew who was as staying with us. I picked up the missing ingredient and set to baking again, this cake had to be perfect. It was for my baby boy. In the oven the cake looked promising, it had a good rise and smelled delicious. I removed it from the oven. Let it cool before removing from the tin. And it was underbaked…..que massive melt down whilst Daniel napped. Frantically on the phone to my friend for her recipe for a cake, she agreed to bake too so we had something that was edible to decorate!

That evening she came over to teach me how to decorate a large cake, I’d done it before but just plain icing. This needed to be perfect for his birthday party. Again we were up until 1am moulding a ‘Raaa Raaa The Noisy Lion’ cake and it was amazing. It was worth all of the stress. And we’ve set a new birthday tradition!

The party ~ Back in January we booked a soft play centre for his birthdaty. He’d been to a party there in October, and every time he’s since been he’s called it ‘Party!’. £200 for 30 children for 2 hours, with food, drinks, ice lollies and party bags included. It was fantastic. Daniel loved it and all the kids were exhausted when leaving and what’s better is, I had no tidying up to do what so ever. Mothers dream!

The birthday gifts ~ We always said we’d buy him a balance bike for his 2nd birthday. So we chose a Mongoose BMX style balanced bike from Halfords, along with a Batman bell and a Moonman helmet. We also chose a large water and sand table ELC, suitable for up to 8yo so hoping it’s going to be lovely and tall. As we were going away these were to be opened on our return on the Thursday. So we bought a couple of gifts to take away. A dinosaur sticker book, some hot wheels, and a Leap Frog writing tablet. He gets very overwhelmed with gifts and new stuff so this was more than enough for him. He received money from family and a few friends, and a new Thomas train.

How we spent his birthday ~ Back in December we booked a B&B in York. This was to be Daniels birthday day out, and a family break before IVF. We booked a lovely place called Bowen House. It was a 10 min walk into the city centre via Monk Gate, and had free parking. Our room was at the top of the house, spacious and clean and Daniel had his own single bed to sleep in. On his birthday we were up and out early, we headed to the National Rail Museum. We walked into town, past the Minster, and through the park. There were squirrels everywhere. Daniel was calling them ‘Squirrel Nutkin’ and following them across the grass. We walked down the river and over the footbridge to the train station.

Daniel was so excited when he saw the 1st train in the entrance. I could have cried. His little voice. ‘trains, mummy, daddy, hand?!’ And grabbed our hand and took us towards the trains. He was searching for Henry and Percy. I was soaking up everything to do with the Royal carriages that’s were there. There was a lovely little playground that Daniel loved, and the weather was so sunny too.

We then crossed under the track to the other half of the museum where the Rocket and the Flying Scotsman were displayed. Daniel loved the model railway and was mesmerised by the sheer size of the steam engines around him. It is well worth a visit if your little one loves trains. Entry is free, but donations are welcome and there was so much more to do. Daniel fell asleep before we left the gift shop (we bought him the wooden rocket for his track) and he slept all the way back into town, and woke up in an amazing mood!

After some lunch we went on a little river cruise. £17 for the 3 of us and it lasted around an hour. The OCD worry wart mother in me wouldn’t let Daniel onto the top deck as it was rails, so we sat downstairs with the big windows. He enjoyed seeing the ducks and the other boats on the river and I really enjoyed the guide. We finished the day off with a meal at Jamie’s Italian.

Daniel thoroughly enjoyed his day out. It was all about him, everything he loved. Trains, boats, running around and being with us. I could have cried most of the day but with pride. We made him. And we are making him as happy  as he makes us. His smiles, his grins, his squeals with excitement. He makes my heart melt. C x.

The 1 where I’m rambling on about IVF…

 

So I’ve sat looking at the screen whilst eating chocolate for the last 20 mins not sure how to start.

I’ve realised our frozen IVF cycle may be happening next month. I think I’ve been in complete and utter denial. I spent the whole of yesterday writing the complete wrong date in work (on all our banking too) then missed a couple of zeros off some figures which resulted in me wondering how I’d managed to loose 2.5k in a locked room?!?!

It’s been 18 months since we decided to ‘try’ for our second. We pushed IVF back from March to April due to timings and funds. We didn’t want to scrimp on Daniels 2nd birthday to make another baby. My big fear is that I’m taking money away from him to try and make another baby, and nothing is guaranteed. I fear he’ll see me stressed, tired and emotional. And that’s not what I want. If it works and he has a sibling then it’s all worth it. If it doesn’t work….

Everytime we’ve had the conversation and discussion over IVF ive been in tears within 60 seconds. I can’t help it. I was so calm first time around, but this time around isn’t sitting so smoothly with me. I’ve kept thinking “I’m ready” and I’m clearly really not! First time around I threw myself into crafts, and I guess I’m trying to throw myself into this in my spare time? Does that make sense?

We have 4 embryos in storage which is up in July and we know that we would only be transferring 1. We’re just wanting 1 shot as we can’t afford to spend thousands on this. Ideally I’d love to be pregnant and past 12 weeks before I can let our unused embryos go. Extending our storage is £400+ for 1 year so it’s not an ideal option. My husbands job isn’t as secure as we’d like and that’s hassling me more than it should and it’s simply due to IVF costing between £1,400- £1,600.  I can’t  bring myself to donate our embryos to another couple either. It sound horrible I know, but I can’t handle the thought of a baby like my Daniel somewhere else. Donate  eggs? Yes. Embryos? No.

I put so much pressure on myself. I’m sat here feeling uber guilty now as I’ve got a glass of wine and I’ve eaten chocolate instead of a soy latte and a handful of kale. People ask me when we are doing the cycle, and I brush them off but they follow that up with “ahh it will work”. And my husband will tell e to stop beating myself up about it and the circle goes on.

**ive just thrown my chocolate across the room to stop me eating more!**

I think I need a note book to make notes to help me structure my blog a little better as I really do just pour the words straight from my brain with no filter.

Thanks for reading C x

The 1 where i yap on about our routine (or lack of)…

 

Snuggling my newborn.

When we were TTC I had an idea of the type of Mum I woud be. I would be up with the birds like Cinderella and dressed and ready for the day before baby woke up. My house would be organised and tidy, and I would cook from scratch daily. We would have organised fun, and amazing family days out. Kind of like Monica Gellar from Friends.

Ha. Who was I kidding?

As Daniel was an emergency section it took me a while before I was up on my feet, pottering around. And in that time I snuggled  with my newborn, constantly. Im guilty of that. I struggled to stand from the sofa when holding him for the 1st couple of weeks. So I’d make myself a cup of tea, get the bottle ready, and change his bum, then get comfortable on the sofa or on the bed and feed him. When he fell asleep I’d just sit and watch him. Listening to all of the beautiful noises he’d make and just sniff him, soak him all up. It was amazing. When my husband finished work he’d take over. He’d sit and snuggle him whilst I pottered around and made us tea. It gave us both that essential time with him.

My husband was working crazy shifts at the time. He ran his own business 9-5 for 6 days a week, then would have an evening job 6-2 for 2-3 evenings. Why? Because the business had become quiet. He wanted to ensure there was always money coming in, when deep down he hate hated working for himself and worrying about the bills.

**apologies for blabbering on. Still finding my writing style, thanks for reading**

When Daniel was 3 months old, we made the decision to close down. That was a Sunday. On the Monday the closing down sale began. Now, we had a family and we needed to put that 1st.

So my routine was whatever worked around my family. Daniel was a good sleeper, so I woke when he woke in a morning. For a while this was a 6am wake, and he was napping by 9am. That’s when I would shower. When he napped after lunch that’s when I’d clean or prep tea. He fed through the night until he was 18 months. He’d wake at around 4am for a bottle, then he’d sleep until around 7.30am. Nothing was set in stone. I’d love to say I slept when he did, but I didn’t. I did go to bed early and watch him sleeping in the crib next to me. I was like every other Mum. I was winging it. And I still am.

Hes still a really good sleeper and loves a good 14 hour snooze, going to bed at 8pm. So yes, I sleep when he sleeps now If we have no plans that day. And that’s our issue. We say we’ll be up and out early, and we never are. But hubbys shifts have now changed so I’ve challenged us to become ‘morning people‘. For us to get a good sleep, and be up early so we can have a family breakfast before work. That might sound cliche but if myslef or Craig are only getting 90 mins a day with Daniel around work, it needs to be done.

I watch vlogs on YouTube of other Mums and ‘a day in the life‘ or ‘week in the life‘ routines, and I really do wonder ‘do they manage it everyday even without filming?’ as some of it looks idyllic. I’ll keep watching as it’s my guilty pleasure and Im super nosey,and I’ll pick up tips and tricks where I can. I want to have a good, standard morning routine to set up the day. We can’t pop a routine onto the rest of the day such as meal times as my hours change each week and I can finish work at 3pm, 7pm or 10pm so for now we’ll just wing that bit.

Days 1 & 2 have gone well so far, so I’ll update in the near future.

Thanks for reading, C x

YouTube channels I enjoy watching are;

Jules Furness

Charlotte Taylor

Emily Norris

Mrs Meldrum

If you have any suggestions of videos to watch of blogs to read please let me know.

 

Our birth story…

This post is a little reflection back on the birth of my son and having a newborn. An open letter shared by another Mum blogger, was honest and hit home. I shared the post on my personal account and its hit home with lots of other Mums I know.

Daniel was a IVF baby. He’s our little miracle who took us 4.5 years. I dreamed of a natural water birth, breast feeding, being a stay at home Mum. That was everything I read in the books and magazines. Why wouldn’t I want that?

That isn’t what we got. Daniel arrived by an emergency ceserean section at 37 weeks (technically 36 weeks as we know exact conception date. But they dated me a week ahead on our scan) after a week of reduced movement episodes. Starting at exactly 36 weeks. An emergency scan was requested after our 1st episode as my bump had shrunk. I’d also had the norovirus just days before and hadn’t eaten a stitch for 4 days. But bump had shrunk by 2.5cm. The scan showed a perfectly healthy, but small baby. They estimated around 5lb. We were exactly 37 weeks when we went in with reduced movements again. I’d only had monitoring that morning and everything was fine. Before they did anything they told me they were inducing me.

Our induction began at 3am on 15th March 2015. I struggled to sleep. As soon as breakfast hit….I was on it. I was thinking about keeping my strength up. They  hooked me up to the monitor and Daniel wasn’t happy, his heart rate was all over the place, so they removed the pessary and put me nil by mouth. They began mumbling C section, and a consultant  was called. I was taken up to the labour ward around 11am and hooked up to a drip and my waters broken. Contractions soon kicked in. Really mild to begin with, similar to the cramps I get each month. I wasn’t allowed off the bed as they were monitoring him closely. It wasn’t what I’d imagined. My bag was full of snacks to give me energy for birth, and drinks to sip on. I wasn’t allowed a single thing. I was pleased I’d had tea and toast for breakfast. I panicked a little that I would get tired not even being allowed to sip on water.

By 5.30pm I was asking for some pain relief like paracetamol. I’d had gas and air all afternoon and I was feeling naff. The midwife offered me something stronger and I remember jumping and asking for an epidural so I could sleep as I was only 1cm dialated. Then things got weird, the midwife went to request an epidural for me, but the contractions were coming thick and fast and I remember thinking “this isn’t how it on on OBEM!” I wasn’t dialated, why was this happening? Then Daniels heart rate dropped. Massively. We buzzed and the midwife came in. All was ok again as he had recovered quickly. She left the room and said to buzz if it happened again.

She cant have even got back to her station when we hit the buzzer again. I remember coming around from my gas and air watching his heart rate drop on the monitor and panicking trying to find my buzzer. I felt like a lifetime. I hit the buzzer and I heard the footsteps of the midwife running to our room followed by a Consultant. They stood and assessed the situation. The Consultant said observe for 30 mins. The midwife glared at her along with my husband. I then remember waking up with an oxygen mask on my face (can only assume I passed out) and they were asking me to scribble my signature on a form, whipping my vest off and throwing scrubs at my husband.

I was whizzed off to theatre for an emergency section.

Daniel was born at 19.12, perfectly healthy and weighing 6lb 4oz. He was perfect.

Craig held him and everything was perfect. The baby we longed for was here safe and well. We were a family.

I didn’t arrive into recovery until shortly after 9pm. I was shaking uncontrollably from the spinal. It made it difficult when I first held him, I couldn’t get him to latch as I couldn’t hold him still. I was wired up. It was impossible. His first feed was formula.

The midwife that evening helped me try and get comfortable with him to feed him. No luck. She provided me with syringes to collect my colostrum. This was a success and I felt useful (after all I was bed bound and needed help getting him from the crib).

The following days they gave me more pointers and advice on feeding him. When I was home I persevered between formula and expressed milk. I tried him at the breast with each feed. I was promised a home visit from a breast feeding group. That never happened. Then when they finally called I was quizzed as to why I was offering formula and not just exclusively breast milk or breast feeding. I felt like I’d done wrong by him. But my instinct was to feed him. How was I doing wrong? Thus the Breastfeeding Mafia being launched (named by my husband lol) .

I tried every feed for 2 weeks and it wasn’t happening  he couldn’t latch. It was exhausting me. I felt guilty. I felt terrible that I couldn’t feed my own son like my sister and my best friend had fed their babies. I beat myself up terribly and I was envious of other mums who could do it.

I got over my guilt and jealousy when he hit the weaning stage. My husband gave me pep talks and told me to stop being silly and stop putting pressure on myself. He told me that every choice I had made as a mother, was the correct choice. The correct choice for our son, and for us. He was thriving, he was cheeky, he was perfect and he was ours. So nobody’s opinion mattered.

And do you know what. He’s not even 2 yet and he’s had a Macdonalds. So nerr!