The one where I’m honest with myself….


Over the last month or so we have have made the decision to extend the storage of our 4 frozen embryos. There was so much dilly dallying over it between us. Neither of us were bluntly honest about it until the pressure of it hit. As we made our decision to extend, the papers for the storage came through the door. The current storage ends in July, and due to administration & new contracts, we had to make a decision to extend, destroy or proceed with treatment by 20th April. We were not expecting this at all. We thought we’d have until July to be sure of our decision.

Completing the forms was tough. Between us we had to decide what would happen to those embryos if either of us died. Things like, if my husband was to pass away, he consented to me using the embryos in future treatment, if he was listed as the biological father. A little debate brewed as, if I pass away there was no option for my husband to do anything with the embryos other than donate them to science or destroy them. And I decide to do these forms on a Wednesday morning before work!

We both agreed that we could not accept the embryos being donated directly to another couple. I’ve spoken about this before on my blog and I cannot bare there to be another little baby, biologically mine out there. We do agree to donating to science though. I like to think that this would help more couples in the future.

Since we signed the forms and paid the (not cheap) bill, I feel like a humongous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly felt like I had the weight of the world on there. I was constantly fighting with myself. My head certainly wasn’t clear and ready for it. My body wasn’t in its peak condition. And what did I do to comfort myself? Eat chocolate, biscuits and cake and drink wine. Not the picture of “perfect IVF harmony”.

Im constantly being asked at the minute “are you having anymore?” To which I just blurt out “well…..he’s IVF so…….” and conversation drifts off to “I know someone who had IVF then had a baby without it”. I’m bored of hearing this, but I don’t know what answer I would prefer instead. I certainly don’t want to hear “oh, I’m sorry” .

Yes I want another baby. I want to feel gentle baby kicks from my tummy, I want the bad back again and the heartburn that only a McDonalds milkshake will cure. I’ve been off all forms of contraception for almost 8 years now.

I joked with my friend yesterday how “I might just have the 1 kid”. Our boys were playing, then arguing over toys and around and around as kids do. I told this to my husband as we’d were chatting about random things as we got into bed. He asked me if that’s what I wanted and I was honest with my answer. “I don’t know, I’m scared” .

A decision like this isn’t just mine. We are a couple, a family. Its a joint decision. It’s a decision that’s will affect all 3 of us regardless of the outcome.

Yes i know it’s not clear cut and my answer is very grey. But, I do want another child, I’m just petrified to go through IVF again. I know the process is a little easier than a full cycle as the hard ‘egg collection’ part is already done. It’s the immense pressure I’m scared of. And I’m scared of failure. I don’t want to let my husband down. I don’t want to let myself down, and I know I can’t control the outcome of IVF, but that currently… me zero reassurance!

I want so badly to fall pregnant naturally but my body lets me down. Endometriosis and polycystic ovaries = out of order!

Ive never been on a diet specific for endometriosis or PCOS. Simply because, I dont have the ‘syndrome’ as such just the cystic ovaries, no ovulation and erratic hormones. When we underwent IVF I had not long become a vegetarian for various reasons but 1 of those being a healthy high protein diet = good eggs on egg collection. My theory was eggs = protein. So I’m currently researching diets to help with PCOS in the hope that Mother Nature will be kind to me. But if not, I have a year to be kind to myself and decide what’s what.


Apologies I felt this is a little repetitive, and covers the same stuff as previous posts. But as time goes on I’m writing how I feel as this helps me. Promise the next post will be a happy post!





2 thoughts on “The one where I’m honest with myself….

  1. Your post really resonated with me. Thank you so much for sharing and putting yourself out there. I’m seriously tearing up, because I have the same fears you do. It’s hard to keep trying, esp. when things are so complicated. It’s a lot of pressure! I wish you luck and hope that all turns out well ❤


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