The 1 where I’m rambling on about IVF…

 

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So I’ve sat looking at the screen whilst eating chocolate for the last 20 mins not sure how to start.

I’ve realised our frozen IVF cycle may be happening next month. I think I’ve been in complete and utter denial. I spent the whole of yesterday writing the complete wrong date in work (on all our banking too) then missed a couple of zeros off some figures which resulted in me wondering how I’d managed to loose 2.5k in a locked room?!?!

It’s been 18 months since we decided to ‘try’ for our second. We pushed IVF back from March to April due to timings and funds. We didn’t want to scrimp on Daniels 2nd birthday to make another baby. My big fear is that I’m taking money away from him to try and make another baby, and nothing is guaranteed. I fear he’ll see me stressed, tired and emotional. And that’s not what I want. If it works and he has a sibling then it’s all worth it. If it doesn’t work….

Everytime we’ve had the conversation and discussion over IVF ive been in tears within 60 seconds. I can’t help it. I was so calm first time around, but this time around isn’t sitting so smoothly with me. I’ve kept thinking “I’m ready” and I’m clearly really not! First time around I threw myself into crafts, and I guess I’m trying to throw myself into this in my spare time? Does that make sense?

We have 4 embryos in storage which is up in July and we know that we would only be transferring 1. We’re just wanting 1 shot as we can’t afford to spend thousands on this. Ideally I’d love to be pregnant and past 12 weeks before I can let our unused embryos go. Extending our storage is £400+ for 1 year so it’s not an ideal option. My husbands job isn’t as secure as we’d like and that’s hassling me more than it should and it’s simply due to IVF costing between £1,400- £1,600.  I can’t  bring myself to donate our embryos to another couple either. It sound horrible I know, but I can’t handle the thought of a baby like my Daniel somewhere else. Donate  eggs? Yes. Embryos? No.

I put so much pressure on myself. I’m sat here feeling uber guilty now as I’ve got a glass of wine and I’ve eaten chocolate instead of a soy latte and a handful of kale. People ask me when we are doing the cycle, and I brush them off but they follow that up with “ahh it will work”. And my husband will tell e to stop beating myself up about it and the circle goes on.

**ive just thrown my chocolate across the room to stop me eating more!**

I think I need a note book to make notes to help me structure my blog a little better as I really do just pour the words straight from my brain with no filter.

Thanks for reading C x

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