A thank you to my son….

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Kisses with my boy.

I have loved you from the minute I saw you as an embryo. Since that moment I have been a Mum. I have fretted over every single little thing. Just hours after your transfer I thought you’d fallen down the toilet.  I did everything within my power to ensure you were safe in my tummy. I constantly took photos of my tummy to watch my bump grow. I wanted to remember our journey as there was no guarantee it would ever happen again.

We had longed for you for years. Each month I would imagine myself with a pregnant belly. I’d convince myself every month I was pregnant and sulk when I knew I wasn’t. It was long and it was tough. We laughed and we cried. A lot. As time went on I stopped imagining a pregnant belly but we didn’t give up. We went into your IVF cycle full of positivity but scared as hell and a little stressed. I even became veggie to see if it would help (a halal meat video helped too!) I was so grumpy towards your Daddy for a couple of months. I was unreasonable and I’d cry for no reason, I once cried because there was no salad on my sandwich but that’s another story!

When we found out you were on your way, I had done lots of tests without telling Daddy. All in 1 afternoon. Like I said already, I was crazy! When we did the ‘proper’ test we cried and we hugged, and we were on top of the world. And we’ve been there ever since.

You have had 3 different name’s before we settled on Daniel. Your named after your Daddy’s cousin. We enjoyed every day of your pregnancy. You were very good to me, you didn’t make me feel sick or tired. I felt like I was glowing every day. You did however sit on a nerve from time to time which made me walk like John Wayne…thanks for that!

You arrived 3 weeks early on Mothers Day in 2015. It was almost like it was meant to be. And I don’t be think you will ever top that as a Mothers Day gift, so don’t ever feel like you have to spend money on an elaborate gift. A card, a cuddle and bunch of daffodils will always be enough for me, because I have you and there is no better gift.

I love your little personality. You ask us stuff but mostly tell us stuff to. Like ‘eat it’ whilst sticking food in our faces. Or ‘have it’ when you want something we have. You’ve learnt the word ‘other’ now too and you’ll send me on a wild goose chase through the fork until I find the ‘other’.  I always said ‘he won’t be playing games on my phone’. But you do and I love it. You’ve navigated your way around my phone and you’ll snuggle on my knee and play alphablocks, or Andy’s prehistoric adventures whilst I have a brew. I cherish moments like those.

Today we have been to a farm and you have been the sweetest. You fed a sheep,  you held a little chicken, and played on the park. You painted pictures and ate all of your tea, then demanded I play racing cars with you and each time you told me I’d won “Mummy win!”. The clocks changed last night and you’re already settled in bed an hour earlier than normal  you’re perfect in every way baby boy.

I have never found parenting you hard work and you’ll never hear me complain. You can be a monkey, and you are stubborn as hell but you’ll always come first. Before anyone or anything else. Why? Because you are my most treasured possession. You are mine and I cannot imagine a life without you. I will never desert you. I will never lie to you. I will never ever let anyone hurt you. I will always guide you down the right path but not push you. I will work hard and save for your future.

No im not saying your life will be Pinterest or instagram perfect. There will be days that I won’t get dressed because I can’t be arsed, and you’ll no doubt poop in the bath at some point. Your friends may come for tea and the house may be untidy….because that’s life, and they may end up with chicken nuggets and chips and not an organic home grown feast. But you will never go without wherever we can help and afford it.

Today is Mothers Day and it’s not been about me, it’s been about you. Thank you for being mine  thank you for making me a Mummy, letting me feel this way and experience this life. I will never take you for granted as I’ve never wanted anything as much as ive wanted you.

Thank you, love Mummy xxx

 

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The 1 where I talk about motherhood loneliness #YANA

IMG_2297So….recently, Channel Mum have had a campaign/ movement about Mums being lonely. #YANA ~ You Are Not Alone.  9 out of 10 Mums admitted they felt lonely in a recent survey

I remember when I was pregnant I had lots of people fussing around me, all as excited as I was for Daniels arrival after the journey of IVF. Once Daniel was here safe and well, and everyone had met him the buzz died down. I didn’t quite realise at the time as I was in my own little bubble and I didn’t prioritise anyone other than Daniel.

During the week I would keep myself busy with baby groups. We had ‘Baby Blooms’ on a Monday afternoon which was our favourite for a long while. Tuesday I would meet up with a work colleague and we’d go to a play group at the local community centre with her granddaughter. Wednesdays were free days with the weigh clinic every few weeks. Thursdays as Daniel got older, I would take part to in the free group at our local soft play centre and he loved it, we’d be in there for hours. Friday mornings were filled with rhyme time at the library followed by an afternoon at another play group. This group had tea and cake and lots of it. This group is where I met my little group of ‘Mum Friends’

During the week I kept us busy. In wind and rain I’d walk proudly with my baby in his pram and walk to our playgroups. I’d often then walk to the local shopping centre and pick up any bits we needed, and he’d sleep.

It was the weekends where I felt lonely (lacking adult conversation) Hubby was working 7 days a week. Cramming in overtime. My new mum friends were busy with their families. It was just me and Daniel. I would rarely hear from friends or family. Not just at the weekends, I’d go days without hearing from some.

Yes. Friends had their own lives. I had friends who had babies just after me, and they became distant. Not through lack of trying….babies at different ages, different groups, different routines with their families. 1 friend in a different city. 1 friend going through a f***ing hard time, and I always made sure she knew I was there for her.

We feel lonely because our lives before babies are the past. Friendships grow, change, or fall apart. And as new Mums you think it’s your fault. You wonder why they are being selfish and not wanting to spend time with you or know how many times your baby pooped today. But what we don’t realise at the time is that whilst we have been in our newborn bubble, their lives are changing too.

So because of this, remember everyones lives are changing every day. Remember to smile and say hi to the Mums you meet at weigh clinics, or play groups. And if you recognise them at the shops  they aren’t going to bite, but you may just make a new friend or save a Mum from insanity! Text your friends and ask what’s new, what’s the gossip. Tell them to come for a brew and an hour of adult conversation.

Im extremely lucky to have met my ‘Blooms Mums’. My boy and I have 4 extremely good friends, that good they’ll stay up until 1am helping you sew a teepee together, or bake a cake. They are always at the end of the phone or on the Whatsapp group at stupid o’clock. And for that…..Blooms Mums I love you!! You Are Not Alone Cx.

The one with Daniels 2nd birthday….

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So this week (or should I say 10 day so or so) has been hectic. I’m shattered and need a week off to recover! We have celebrated Daniels 2nd birthday with everything and everyone he loves and its been fantastic!

Lets start with the birthday cake ~ I decided to bake this myself. I love homemade wherever possible. Last year for his 1st birthday I handmade a dinosaur teepee with the help of my friend, she taught me how to sew and the results were phenomenal if I do say so myself. We were up until 1am sewing pieces together, ironing and measuring. And we were the same this year. I like to think I can bake. I’ve always baked tasty cupcakes, and the creamiest buttercream. I even made my friends wedding cake. This year however, I have a new oven. I haven’t baked in it before and my head was all over the place as my beloved bunny was in the vets care overnight. I forgot an ingredient for my reliable vanilla sponge recipe so found an alternative. Lets just say, it was dry. Very dry!

The following morning i had a call to say my bunny had passed away. What on earth was I going to do? I couldn’t let Daniel see me cry or my nephew who was as staying with us. I picked up the missing ingredient and set to baking again, this cake had to be perfect. It was for my baby boy. In the oven the cake looked promising, it had a good rise and smelled delicious. I removed it from the oven. Let it cool before removing from the tin. And it was underbaked…..que massive melt down whilst Daniel napped. Frantically on the phone to my friend for her recipe for a cake, she agreed to bake too so we had something that was edible to decorate!

That evening she came over to teach me how to decorate a large cake, I’d done it before but just plain icing. This needed to be perfect for his birthday party. Again we were up until 1am moulding a ‘Raaa Raaa The Noisy Lion’ cake and it was amazing. It was worth all of the stress. And we’ve set a new birthday tradition!

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The party ~ Back in January we booked a soft play centre for his birthdaty. He’d been to a party there in October, and every time he’s since been he’s called it ‘Party!’. £200 for 30 children for 2 hours, with food, drinks, ice lollies and party bags included. It was fantastic. Daniel loved it and all the kids were exhausted when leaving and what’s better is, I had no tidying up to do what so ever. Mothers dream!

The birthday gifts ~ We always said we’d buy him a balance bike for his 2nd birthday. So we chose a Mongoose BMX style balanced bike from Halfords, along with a Batman bell and a Moonman helmet. We also chose a large water and sand table ELC, suitable for up to 8yo so hoping it’s going to be lovely and tall. As we were going away these were to be opened on our return on the Thursday. So we bought a couple of gifts to take away. A dinosaur sticker book, some hot wheels, and a Leap Frog writing tablet. He gets very overwhelmed with gifts and new stuff so this was more than enough for him. He received money from family and a few friends, and a new Thomas train.

How we spent his birthday ~ Back in December we booked a B&B in York. This was to be Daniels birthday day out, and a family break before IVF. We booked a lovely place called Bowen House. It was a 10 min walk into the city centre via Monk Gate, and had free parking. Our room was at the top of the house, spacious and clean and Daniel had his own single bed to sleep in. On his birthday we were up and out early, we headed to the National Rail Museum. We walked into town, past the Minster, and through the park. There were squirrels everywhere. Daniel was calling them ‘Squirrel Nutkin’ and following them across the grass. We walked down the river and over the footbridge to the train station.

Daniel was so excited when he saw the 1st train in the entrance. I could have cried. His little voice. ‘trains, mummy, daddy, hand?!’ And grabbed our hand and took us towards the trains. He was searching for Henry and Percy. I was soaking up everything to do with the Royal carriages that’s were there. There was a lovely little playground that Daniel loved, and the weather was so sunny too.

We then crossed under the track to the other half of the museum where the Rocket and the Flying Scotsman were displayed. Daniel loved the model railway and was mesmerised by the sheer size of the steam engines around him. It is well worth a visit if your little one loves trains. Entry is free, but donations are welcome and there was so much more to do. Daniel fell asleep before we left the gift shop (we bought him the wooden rocket for his track) and he slept all the way back into town, and woke up in an amazing mood!

After some lunch we went on a little river cruise. £17 for the 3 of us and it lasted around an hour. The OCD worry wart mother in me wouldn’t let Daniel onto the top deck as it was rails, so we sat downstairs with the big windows. He enjoyed seeing the ducks and the other boats on the river and I really enjoyed the guide. We finished the day off with a meal at Jamie’s Italian.

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Daniel thoroughly enjoyed his day out. It was all about him, everything he loved. Trains, boats, running around and being with us. I could have cried most of the day but with pride. We made him. And we are making him as happy  as he makes us. His smiles, his grins, his squeals with excitement. He makes my heart melt. C x.

The 1 where I’m rambling on about IVF…

 

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So I’ve sat looking at the screen whilst eating chocolate for the last 20 mins not sure how to start.

I’ve realised our frozen IVF cycle may be happening next month. I think I’ve been in complete and utter denial. I spent the whole of yesterday writing the complete wrong date in work (on all our banking too) then missed a couple of zeros off some figures which resulted in me wondering how I’d managed to loose 2.5k in a locked room?!?!

It’s been 18 months since we decided to ‘try’ for our second. We pushed IVF back from March to April due to timings and funds. We didn’t want to scrimp on Daniels 2nd birthday to make another baby. My big fear is that I’m taking money away from him to try and make another baby, and nothing is guaranteed. I fear he’ll see me stressed, tired and emotional. And that’s not what I want. If it works and he has a sibling then it’s all worth it. If it doesn’t work….

Everytime we’ve had the conversation and discussion over IVF ive been in tears within 60 seconds. I can’t help it. I was so calm first time around, but this time around isn’t sitting so smoothly with me. I’ve kept thinking “I’m ready” and I’m clearly really not! First time around I threw myself into crafts, and I guess I’m trying to throw myself into this in my spare time? Does that make sense?

We have 4 embryos in storage which is up in July and we know that we would only be transferring 1. We’re just wanting 1 shot as we can’t afford to spend thousands on this. Ideally I’d love to be pregnant and past 12 weeks before I can let our unused embryos go. Extending our storage is £400+ for 1 year so it’s not an ideal option. My husbands job isn’t as secure as we’d like and that’s hassling me more than it should and it’s simply due to IVF costing between £1,400- £1,600.  I can’t  bring myself to donate our embryos to another couple either. It sound horrible I know, but I can’t handle the thought of a baby like my Daniel somewhere else. Donate  eggs? Yes. Embryos? No.

I put so much pressure on myself. I’m sat here feeling uber guilty now as I’ve got a glass of wine and I’ve eaten chocolate instead of a soy latte and a handful of kale. People ask me when we are doing the cycle, and I brush them off but they follow that up with “ahh it will work”. And my husband will tell e to stop beating myself up about it and the circle goes on.

**ive just thrown my chocolate across the room to stop me eating more!**

I think I need a note book to make notes to help me structure my blog a little better as I really do just pour the words straight from my brain with no filter.

Thanks for reading C x